Snape's Stupefying Sequence
by jerri and arona
Summary: Dumbledore hires Snape to take Gilderoy on a mock mission to keep him out of the way of the war against Voldemort, to rescue the princess of muffins!!!
1. Prologoo

Chapter 1-  
  
Albus Dumbledore sat in his office, his fingers arched and resting on his forehead. He drew in a deep breath, and decided to confront the matter at hand.  
  
"Minerva," Dumbledore began, speaking to the only person in the room. (Aside from the coat-rack, a friend that Dumbledore had many an intellectual conversation.) "I have a problem."  
  
"I know, Albus." Minerva replied. "You've said that three times already."  
  
"Yes, I would like some tea." Dumbledore said. "But not yet. I have a problem."  
  
"And what is that problem?" Minerva asked a bit testily.  
  
"In the fight against He-Who-Something-Or-Other," Dumbledore continued, "We need out best wizards and witches."  
  
Minerva waited for more, but nothing came. "Albus?"  
  
Nothing.  
  
"ALBUS!"  
  
Dumbledore woke with a start.  
  
"Minerva!" He said. "I'm so glad you're here! I have a problem!"  
  
"WHAT IS THE DAMN PROBLEM ALBUS?" Minerva flared eyes wide with rage.  
  
"Gilderoy Lockhart is going to screw everything up!" Dumbledore said, avoiding eye contact with this mean woman in his office for some reason. "He insists on going on a mission, I can't stop him!"  
  
"Send him on a mock mission!" Minerva resolved.  
  
"We'll need some people to watch over him." Dumbledore continued. "Some people who have experienced Lockhart's antics before."  
  
A smile curved up on Minerva's face. "I know just the people."  
  
~*~  
  
Severus Snape was currently standing at the head of his class, looking evil and menacing, as was his wont. He stood towering over his students, the pitiful little beings, looking fearfully up at him.  
  
"Do you know the answer to the question, Bentley?" Snape asked, his eyes casting daggers into the poor child.  
  
"N-n-n-n-o, Professor Snape..." Bentley replied, his eyes brimming with tears.  
  
"I didn't think so." Snape said, sweeping across the room, his black cloak following closely.  
  
"You know what this means, don't you?" He asked, staring into the black hole of ignorance that was his class.  
  
"We'll have to drink our poisons?" The class said in unison.  
  
Snape nodded gravely, with a trace of a smile on his lips. He walked to his desk, opened the secret drawer, and pulled out a bottle of the strongest poison known to wizards.  
  
He stood for a moment to admire the situation. He glanced down at the bottle, in all its splendor. But suddenly, out of nowhere, the bottle opened it's mouth and yelled, "Severus Snape, I can't believe you did his again!"  
  
Snape stared at the bottle for a moment, confused.  
  
"If you don't wake up right now, I'm going to douse you in lighter fluid and light a match!" The bottle continued. "Even though your hair might be flammable enough without the lighter fluid!"  
  
  
  
Severus' eyes snapped open in time to see Professor Andromeda Stone standing over him with a can of lighter fluid.  
  
"You fell asleep in your office again." She said. "You have a class now."  
  
Andromeda Stone had been working at Hogwarts for two years now, and she never failed to cause some form of mayhem. As always, her unkempt hair was in a black bun on her head, and her gray eyes were stuck in grimace mode as she blamed Severus for falling asleep.  
  
Severus followed Stone into his classroom, still lingering on the beautiful dream he had.  
  
~*~  
  
  
  
Hurrah for new fics! I hope this one will be better than the last. To all of you who don't know me, I'm Jerri Fletcher, and this is the third in my Snape-Stone series. I suggest reading the last one if you hadn't. There's some important stuff somewhere between the innuendoes and shameless humour. Anyway, next chapter should be up eventually. Thank for reading! -Jerri 


	2. Nervous, Anxious, Homicidal

Chapter 2-  
  
Remus Lupin fiddled around with the small, black box with his hands. Every couple minutes, he would freak out, thinking he had lost the box, but then he'd look somewhere completely obvious (like his hands) and there it would be.  
  
Remus was currently in a horse-less carriage, on his way to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He liked traveling this way, due to his fear of being spliced and his childhood fascination with horses. But now, even reminiscing about childhood wouldn't help him. His head was swimming, his palms were aching, and he was nervous as hell.  
  
'Ok.' Remus told himself. 'Just remember to breathe. She'll say yes, and if she doesn't, no matter what Sirius says, you will not melt into nothingness. Oh, god, Where's the box?!'  
  
Remus spazzed out for a second before remembering he was holding the tiny black box in his own two hands. He let out a great sigh of relief, and sunk back into his seat. He was so nervous about finally seeing Andromeda Stone that night, that he didn't even notice Hogwarts castle becoming larger and larger as he approached.  
  
~*~  
  
"What the hell is a mugwump?" Andromeda asked Severus, opening a packet of chocolate frogs only to find Dumbledore's card in it.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Snape asked, not because he cared, but out of pure habit.  
  
"It's under Dumbledore's name." Andromeda replied, showing him the back of the card. "Mugwump."  
  
"Do you stay up nights thinking about these things?" Severus asked, not even looking at the card. Just as Andromeda was about to say something particularly nasty about Snape's hair, the doors to the dungeon swung open. Of course, this didn't matter, because Snape and Stone were currently in the courtyard.  
  
But, moments later, whoever the door-swinger-opener was, he/she soon found Severus and Andromeda in the courtyard.  
  
"Is that who I think it is?" Andromeda asked, seeing a person strolling towards them.  
  
"I certainly hope not." Severus said, but Andromeda's presumptions were correct, this person was indeed familiar.  
  
"Ramar Raven?" Andromeda called out. Ramar looked as though she had something else on her mind, other than petty small talk.  
  
"You left me in New York City!" Ramar yelled, even though she was in perfect earshot of Severus and Andromeda.  
  
"Oh, shoot." Andromeda said, clasping her hand over her mouth. "I forgot! Oh, Ramar, we didn't mean to leave you!"  
  
"YOU didn't mean to leave her." Severus said under his breath. Ramar gave him a glare that would freeze an unfreezeable dealy that could not be frozen.  
  
Andromeda and Severus were recently in New York City, where, upon many other things, they had made the acquaintance of Ramar Raven, a former Hogwarts student. There were so many things going on, that they completely forgot about her.  
  
Just as Ramar was about to say something, Dumbledore's voice sounded over the courtyard.  
  
"Severus and Andromeda-..." It said, "Please report to my office immediately."  
  
"Oh, what did you do now?" Andromeda said, turning to Snape. He shrugged.  
  
~*~  
  
"I have a problem." Dumbledore told Snape, Stone and Raven.  
  
"That's the fourth time you've said that, Albus." Snape replied. "And I'm not getting you any tea."  
  
Dumbledore made a confused face and continued. "Ferret hamster pants." He said.  
  
"What Albus means," Minerva McGonagal said, interrupting, "is that in the fight against He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Names, Gilderoy Lockhart wants a big part in it. Of course, we can't let him, or he'll end up blasting our men to kingdom come. So we're sending him on a mock mission, and you're going to take him."  
  
Andromeda, Snape and Ramar all stood there, stunned. Ramar headed for the door.  
  
"Where do you think you're going?" Andromeda asked.  
  
"I think I've got a case of the wrong-place-at-the-wrong-time syndrome. Gotta go." She said, but as soon as she opened the door, she collided with Remus, who was quickly followed by Sirius Black and Gilderoy Lockhart.  
  
"Remus!" Andromeda exclaimed, rushing to him to kiss him on the cheek. Sirius looked hurt.  
  
"No smooch?" Sirius whined. Gilderoy gave him a peck on the cheek. "Gaaaaaah!" Sirius moaned, taking out his wand to disinfect his face.  
  
"Gilderoy," Minerva began, "We're giving you a very important mission."  
  
Gilderoy clapped.  
  
"First," she continued, improvising wildly, "You will have to go through the forbidden forest to the Caves of Consequence... and the, er, Sea of Silence, to the...Beach of... Badness... and the Field of Forgetfulness. Finally, you will reach the Castle of Clumsiness and you have to rescue the Princess of..."  
  
"MUFFINS?" Gilderoy exclaimed, hardly able to contain himself.  
  
"Whatever floats your boat, Gilderoy." Minerva replied, rolling her eyes. Gilderoy did a little skippy-jump. "Gilderoy, we're giving you some of our best men. Severus Snape, Andromeda Stone, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and..." She looked at Ramar, "Whoever that is."  
  
"But Remus can't go!" Sirius said, jokingly, "He has a previous engagement!" Remus elbowed him in the ribs.  
  
"Here's a map." Minerva handed Gilderoy a map of the lands described earlier. It was etched carelessly on the back of a McDonald's menu. "I suggest you all pack, sleep, yadda yadda, yadda, you leave tomorrow, the end."  
  
~*~  
  
"There goes your so called 'Romantic Weekend'." Sirius said, as he and Remus lugged their bags to the great hall.  
  
"It would have been plenty romantic if YOU hadn't insisted on tagging along." Remus replied.  
  
~*~  
  
"I don't want to go." Ramar said, "A weekend with Gilderoy is not my idea of fun."  
  
"Well, you've been drafted." Andromeda said, closing up her bag, "You can't escape misadventures with this group."  
  
~*~  
  
"Gun, check. Poison, check. Suffocation book, check. Kidnapping bag, check." Severus counted the things in his Gilderoy Survival Bag. Now to pack the Sirius Survival Bag.  
  
~*~  
  
End chapter. Next chapter, the troop ships out and marches their way through the forbidden forest and all its creatures and danger. 


	3. The Mists of Memory

Chapter 3-  
  
The Forbidden Forest was not exactly a lovely place to be currently. It smelt of decomposing wood and mildew, and Sirius had horrible allergies. There were dangerous creatures all around, but none of them would eat Gilderoy, even when force-fed. The reason for this was probably because animals don't like to eat things that sing 'Going' on a Muffin Hunt' on the top of its lungs.  
  
Not only was Gilderoy being insanely annoying, but Severus was constantly trying to poison everyone, Sirius wouldn't stop teasing Remus, Remus was having a hard time not murdering Sirius, Ramar was trying not to kill Gilderoy, and Andromeda was encouraging her to kill Gilderoy. One can only imagine why dangerous creatures stayed away.  
  
"I want to play a game!" Gilderoy said as the troop marched through a particularly foul smelling swamp.  
  
"What do you have in mind, Gilderoy?" Remus asked, willing to do anything if it prevented Gilderoy from singing that blasted song one more time.  
  
"Hangman!" Severus yelled, taking a noose out from his robes. He was ignored.  
  
"The cookie jar game!" Gilderoy yelled enthusiastically, clapping. There was a large groan from the tired group. "I'll start! Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?"  
  
There was no response.  
  
"Severus stole the cookies from the cookie jar!" Gilderoy giggled, pointing a manicured finger at Severus.  
  
"Yes, yes I did. And don't expect them back." Severus said. "And I poisoned them, so if you even TOUCH them, your intestines will fill with puss and your head will explode into a million shards of blood and bone."  
  
Gilderoy burst into tears, and clung onto Ramar.  
  
"GET IT OFF!" Ramar burst out, slapping Gilderoy off her. With a splash, Gilderoy fell into the green slosh that was the swamp. Gilderoy made a sad squeaking noise.  
  
"Well, now that we're all happy," Andromeda said, "Where are we?"  
  
Remus took out the map. "We're almost at the end of the forest." He said. "Judging this crudely drawn map that can't possibly be accurate."  
  
"I think we should just kill Gilderoy, and tell everyone his huge head exploded." Severus said.  
  
"As much as I would like to do that, Severus," Andromeda started, "But-..."  
  
"Oh, come on!" Ramar exclaimed. "Honestly, who would miss him?"  
  
"Where are we?" Sirius interrupted. No one had noticed that as they walked, the woods were slowly disappearing, replaced by thick, white, wispy clouds. Remus looked down at his map, and could barely read the title of their current location.  
  
"The Mists of Memory." Remus said.  
  
"These are hardly Mists." Sirius pointed out. "Why would they name it a Mist?"  
  
"Mist starts with an M." Remus replied. "You can't very well say 'Fog of Memory', it wouldn't work. But why would they call it the Mists of Memory?"  
  
By the time Remus had finished his sentence, everyone had disappeared into the mist.  
  
~*~  
  
Severus was trying to find his way out of this particularly annoying fog, but before anything could occur to him, the clouds began to change. Smoke formed into familiar scenes passing before him. Faster and faster it went, until it rested on one vision.  
  
The Hogwarts library, clear as day, stood before him. Severus reached out to touch a shelf of books, but as his fingers met the wood surface, the vision rippled like water. He pulled his hand away.  
  
He suddenly heard familiar voices whispering and echoing past him, becoming louder and louder.  
  
"Ok, Severus, read it back." A girl's voice said.  
  
Severus turned to see two people sitting at one of the long tables in the back of the room. One was a younger version of no other than himself.  
  
'I was pretty dammed good looking.' Severus thought to himself, allowing himself a quick smirk. But it quickly shot of his face the moment he saw who the other person was.  
  
Long, black hair, pale skin, dark pink lips: Andromeda.  
  
"The two parties this document is signed by," The young Severus stated, reading off a piece of parchment, holding a quill. "Severus Snape and Andromeda Potter, hereby swear that if both parties are still unmarried by the age of thirty, they shall marry each other."  
  
"That almost doesn't sound stupid." Past Andromeda said.  
  
Severus almost smiled. She sounded exactly the same.  
  
"Well, if you're so smart, why don't you write it?" Past Severus asked, handing the quill to young Andromeda. She laughed and pushed it away.  
  
"No, that will do." Andromeda replied. "Shall we sign it?"  
  
Young Severus nodded, and pulled out a small knife. He put it against his index finger, and sliced the tip. When the finger drew blood, he set it down on the parchment and clumsily drew out his name. Young Andromeda did the same.  
  
"Then it's official." Andromeda said, taking her bloody finger off the parchment.  
  
But her words seemed distant. The world around Severus suddenly started to melt around him, and finally, all that was left was a large, green, sunny field. Severus stood there in bewilderment. He glanced down impulsively at his index finger, and ran his thumb over the faded scar.  
  
~*~  
  
Remus, Andromeda and Sirius were all in the same memory, but it so was heartbreaking, that it wouldn't have mattered if there were three hundred people with them, instead of just three.  
  
Andromeda, Remus and Sirius stood dumbstruck as they watched their younger selves having a wonderful time at James and Lily's wedding. Unimportant, yet unforgettable quotes filled the air.  
  
Sirius giving his best man speech. ("I hope Lily and James have a life of love, family, and um... stuff.")  
  
Remus telling Sirius he'd enough to drink. ("Sirius, you're alcohol count is three times higher than what's legal!")  
  
Andromeda bugging the waiters for macaroni and cheese. ("I say nothing applicable to the current situation.")  
  
It was only too soon when the trio was wrenched out of the memory and back into a large green fielded, grief-stricken and heartbroken. ~*~  
  
Ramar thought this whole fog thing was hilarious, and kept poking the various memories to watch them ripple like water. She got tired of this after a while, and fell asleep.  
  
When she woke up, she was lying in a green field, Andromeda, Remus, Sirius and Severus standing over her.  
  
~*~  
  
Gilderoy, due to his mind wipe, just saw reruns of 'I Love Lucy'.  
  
~*~  
  
When everyone was together and visible, no one said anything. (Except for Gilderoy, who was going on and on about 'that crazy Lucy'.)  
  
Remus desperately wanted to hold Andromeda, and let her cry, but felt paralyzed. Sirius refused to believe that he 'really sounded like that'. Severus wanted to ask Andromeda if she still had her scar; if she remembered the scenario at all.  
  
Finally, Ramar broke the silence.  
  
"So, where are we?" she asked. "We should be near the Fields of Forgetfulness. Remus, where's the map?"  
  
Remus sat, dumbstruck, for a moment. "I don't remember."  
  
~*~  
  
That's all, folks. Hope you enjoyed it, and hope that SOMEONE has stopped sitting outside my bedroom door, bugging me for another chapter.  
  
To those who requested, 'Going on a muffin hunt', I used as much as I could, but I don't know the song. You're help would be... helpful.  
  
NEXT CHAPTER: The group tries to get their way out of the field of... oh god, I can't remember! Plus, Severus debates on whether or not he should bring up his memory to Andromeda. 


	4. Forget It

Chapter 4-  
  
"Where are we?" Ramar asked, almost tripping over a rather large boulder. Our heroes were walking through what seemed to be a never ending field of knee-high grass. It seemed as though the Forbidden Forest had vanished, and all that was to be seen was green and brown wisps.  
  
"I can't remember where I put the map." Remus said, fishing things out of his pockets.  
  
"I can't remember why we're here." Sirius said, scratching his head in thought.  
  
"Finally! My entire memory of you people is gone!" Severus said, doing a rather out of character skippy-dance.  
  
"The best thing to do, whoever you people are, is to keep walking." Andromeda said. "Maybe there's a- what's the word- something..."  
  
And so the group, completely bewildered and confused, kept walking. Gilderoy was unaffected. He's always confused.  
  
"It seems the only thing I can remember is that I don't like that guy." Ramar said to no one in particular as Gilderoy skipped along side the group.  
  
As more walking ensued, the group become more and more confused. As is the author, who is sick and on a LITTLE too much Dayquil. The scenery became more and more dull, and the conversation grew boring. It seemed the field would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever end, until finally  
  
"Ooh, what's that?" Gilderoy asked as he found a piece of the field that sort of jutted out over some rather pointy rocks. Of course, Gilderoy didn't know what it was, but we know it was a cliff, and all hope Gilderoy will jump off it. And I like making people happy.  
  
"Hmmm." Gilderoy said, examining the cliff. He inched closer to the edge. The rest of the group followed.  
  
Severus suddenly felt very strange. He didn't know his own name, he had no clue where he was, and he probably couldn't recite the ABC's. But for some bizarre reason, his hands stretched out behind Gilderoy. Without even realizing it, Severus pushed.  
  
Gilderoy toppled over the cliff, and fell to the pointy rocks below. A surge of electricity ran through Severus.  
  
"I remember!" he exclaimed, pushing Sirius off the cliff. "I'm Severus Snape!" He hurled Remus as well. "Potions master of Hogwarts School!" Andromeda and Ramar followed, but as Ramar fell, she attached her hand to Severus's ankle, and he came plummeting down as well.  
  
~*~  
  
"It was pretty lucky that Gilderoy broke our fall." Sirius said, dusting himself off. The rather sore, but no longer confused, the group was sitting around a crackling fire under the cliff. Gilderoy, though bandaged, bruised and horrible mutilated, insisted that he saved his crew. For his reward, Remus gave him a little star-shaped sticker.  
  
"So, have you found the map?" Sirius asked Remus.  
  
"No." Remus said. "I think it's somewhere in the Mists of Memory. We'll just have to play it by ear from here."  
  
"I like cheese." Gilderoy said through his gag.  
  
"I think I should tighten that." Sirius said, getting up. Remus followed.  
  
"I'm gonna go scope the place out." Ramar said. "See if I can identify where we are." She awkwardly got up (she had broken her ankle after falling on Gilderoy's rather thick head.) and disappeared down the beach.  
  
This left Severus and Andromeda by the fire. Severus was feeling rather awkward, which was strange, because he and Andromeda were alone very often. But this time, he had the Mists of Memory in mind, and was fighting his desire to tell her about it.  
  
"Andromeda," Severus said, very delicately, "I've been meaning to ask you something."  
  
"Really?" She said. "Me too!"  
  
"You first." Severus said, curious.  
  
Andromeda looked very pensive for a moment, and then said, "Are you in any way related to the Child Catcher guy from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?"  
  
~*~  
  
Sorry it took so long. I've been horribly ill. All right, I've had a bit of a cough, but I'm dramatic. But I have vacation from work soon, so I'll have lots of time to update!  
  
Also, about the whole Chitty Chitty Bang Bang thing, I've based my life on the assumption that Severus is related to the Child Catcher guy. You all need to see it, and you will understand exactly where I come from. ( Ciao! -Jerri 


	5. KABLAM!

Chapter 5-  
  
"So where are we now, Remus?" Sirius asked Remus as he tightened the gag around Gilderoy's mouth.  
  
"I told you, I lost the map." Remus said, a bit irked. "You'd think we were still in the Field of Forgetfulness."  
  
"I'm so sick of all these stupid names." Sirius said, ignoring the purplish tone Gilderoy's face was turning. "Why can't there be a 'Boulder of Booze' or a 'Pillar of Prostitution'?"  
  
Remus decided to ignore that.  
  
"You still have the ring, don't you?" Sirius asked, knowing the response he would get. As was his wont, Remus's heart leapt up to his throat. He checked his pockets, finally finding the small black box. This was Sirius's favorite form of entertainment.  
  
"So, when are you actually gonna pop the question?" Sirius asked, using a cliché that I hate, but Sirius is a jerk and doesn't do anything I tell him to.  
  
"When the time is right." Remus said, not taking his eyes off the ring, as if afraid that it would disappear at any moment.  
  
"Well, you better do it soon." Sirius said, once again ignoring the unnatural shade Gilderoy was turning. "If you want my opinion- Gilderoy, hold still- Annie spends way too much time with Snape."  
  
Remus raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?" he asked.  
  
"He's a greasy old git." Sirius said. "And he hates us. And he seems to enjoy Annie's company. Gilderoy, hold still!" He slapped Gilderoy in the face.  
  
"I don't think that's a natural color, Sirius." Remus said, noting the blue shade of Gilderoy's head and the unnatural bulging of his eyes.  
  
"Oh," Sirius said, sarcastically, "So now we're a doctor, are we?"  
  
~*~  
  
Severus was still recovering from Andromeda's question about the Child-Catcher guy from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.  
  
"What the bloody hell are you talking about?" Severus asked, confused for maybe the third time in his life.  
  
"I was just wondering." Andromeda said, shrugging. "There's a striking resemblance, you have to admit-..."  
  
"I need you to be serious for just a second." Severus said, a bit annoyed.  
  
"I was serious." Andromeda said, "But, ok. What's so important?"  
  
"Do you remember way back when we were classmates?" Severus asked, kind of tiptoeing around the subject.  
  
Andromeda nodded.  
  
"Remember that one time," Severus continued, "When we-..."  
  
Suddenly, there was an enormous blast.  
  
"BBBBLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMKKKKKKK!"  
  
Andromeda and Severus jumped up from their seats, and Sirius came running up to them, laughing hysterically.  
  
"Gilderoy- hahaha- Gilderoy's head- heehee- it- hahahaha-..." Sirius laughed.  
  
"Out with it already!" Severus growled.  
  
"Gilderoy's head- hahahaha- exploded!" Sirius said, slapping his knee.  
  
"It did not." Andromeda said, unconvinced.  
  
"No, I'm serious!" Sirius said, trying to control himself. "I tied the gag too tight, and it exploded!"  
  
Remus came running over.  
  
"What is he telling you?" Remus asked.  
  
"That Gilderoy's head exploded." Andromeda replied.  
  
"Oh." Remus said. "Well, it did."  
  
~*~  
  
"How did you pull that one off?" Andromeda asked, crossing her arms, as she stared looking at the headless Gilderoy that was stumbling around, looking for his head.  
  
"Sirius tied the gag too tight." Remus explained.  
  
"It's not like it was a big loss." Sirius said, defensively. "It's not like there was anything in there."  
  
"How long should it take to get it to grow back?" Andromeda asked Severus, who looked like it was he was in Candy Land.  
  
"You mean we have to fix it?" Severus whined. Andromeda nodded gravely.  
  
"Fine." Severus said, pulling out his wand and rolling up his sleeves. "Headulus Backus!"  
  
And with a wave of his wand, and a flash of smoke, Gilderoy's head popped back on the body.  
  
"I like cheese!" Gilderoy exclaimed.  
  
"Wonderful." Severus said, skulking off.  
  
"Where did Ramar go?" Andromeda asked, glancing around.  
  
~*~  
  
Ramar was strolling down the beach aimlessly, searching for a way off it. Ooh, look, there's a pointy stick. No, that's just a normal stick. Boring. Sand, sand, more sand, dead body, sand, sand, sand. Wait a second. Sand?  
  
Ramar strolled back to the dead body looking shape. It indeed was a person, slumped up against the rocks. Ramar put her finger to the body's neck. No pulse. She flipped the body over. He looked vaguely familiar. He had a pasty, white face, and dark black hair. The only color to his face was a graying goatee.  
  
"Oh, shit." Ramar whisper, suddenly realizing who it was. "It can't be..."  
  
She hurriedly rolled up the man's sleeve, hoping not to find what she thought was there. But her fears were soon confirmed when she saw, on the pale and dead skin of the arm, a black and clear Dark Mark.  
  
"What kind of mock mission is this?"  
  
~*~  
  
Dumbledore sat in his office, his chin resting in his arched fingers. Suddenly, the door burst open, and Minerva McGonagall burst in, a worried look on her face.  
  
"Albus," she said urgently, "We have a problem."  
  
~*~  
  
So there you have it. I quickly finished it in fear that people might come back to sit outside my door with that horrid spoon. Anyway, for those who have brought it up, I have no idea why the legend 'knee-high grass' is so amusing. There was no hidden meaning, you're just mad. Knee-high grass, knee-high grass, knee-high grass!!! Anyway, as Gilderoy's head thickens, so does the plot. 


	6. Gladly, the CrossEyed Bear

"So which way do you think we should go?" Andromeda asked, scratching her head.  
  
"That way." Severus replied, pointing down to the left beach.  
  
"I think we should go the other way." Andromeda said, shrugging.  
  
"Then why did you ask me?" Severus asked, annoyed.  
  
"Here. We'll do rock paper scissors." Andromeda said, putting out her hand in a fist.  
  
"Hey!" Gilderoy exclaimed. "I'm the group leader! I want to choose!"  
  
"Fine." Andromeda said, wearily. "Which way do you want to go, Gilderoy?"  
  
"That way!" Gilderoy said, pointing to the ground.  
  
Andromeda turned to Severus. "Here. We'll do rock paper scissors..."  
  
They had been sitting on the beach for quite some time now, waiting for Ramar to come back. Remus and Sirius were hunting for Gilderoy's original head, and Severus and Andromeda were bickering about which way they should go.  
  
"That way looks less sandy!" Severus yelled, as Andromeda put her fingers in her ears and yelled "NOT LISTENING!"  
  
"Really," Sirius said to Remus, "And they're always telling us we're immature."  
  
There was a thumping noise coming from down the beach. Everyone stopped yelling or talking, and realized that it was the sound of running. Sure enough, Ramar was sprinting as fast as her legs would carry her.  
  
"Karkaroff!" Ramar yelled as soon as she was within earshot. "I found Karkaroff!"  
  
"What?" Andromeda said, taking her fingers out of her ears.  
  
"I found Karkaroff!" Ramar exclaimed. "He's dead!"  
  
Severus's face turned a deadly shade of white. "Dead?" He asked, calmly.  
  
~*~  
  
"That's him." Ramar said, as they ran to the slump of a body that was Karkaroff. There were a couple crabs scuttling along his face and hands.  
  
"He's dead alright." Remus said.  
  
"Thank you, Captain Obvious." Sirius said, pushing to the front of the group to get a better view.  
  
"Lovely." Andromeda said. "What is he doing here?"  
  
"If I knew, I wouldn't have come to you, would I?" Ramar said, putting her hands on her hips in an annoyed kind of figure.  
  
"Sorry." Andromeda said, a bit more timid than usual.  
  
"Gilderoy, don't do that!" Sirius said, as Gilderoy poked Karkaroff with a stick.  
  
"Oh," Gilderoy whined. "You never let me have any fun."  
  
"What does this mean?" Remus asked himself. "Did you find anything else, Ramar?" Ramar shook her head.  
  
"I know what you seek." A deep voice called from behind the group. They all turned around, and in astonishment, they saw a huge, hulking, black bear.  
  
"Hello." The bear said.  
  
The others just stood there.  
  
"Are we supposed to play dead or run?" Ramar asked. "I forget what to do with which bear."  
  
"Maybe we can get it to eat Gilderoy." Andromeda whispered.  
  
They all silently pushed the quite oblivious Gilderoy forward, who was still playing with the stick used to poke things.  
  
"I'm not going to eat you." Said the bear. "I'm a vegetarian."  
  
"That's what they all say." Sirius said, skeptically.  
  
"No, really." The bear said. "See! I have some celery! I'm just a perfectly normal vegetarian bear."  
  
"No you're not!" Sirius replied. "No normal creature eats celery!"  
  
"I'm allergic to carrots." Said the bear.  
  
"A likely story!" replied Sirius.  
  
"Fine." The bear said. "I'm not a vegetarian. I'm quite the carnivore." The bear slumped and looked ashamed. "Do you think I could just have someone's arm or leg? I'm quite peckish."  
  
"Take Gilderoy!" Ramar said happily.  
  
"I don't like stupid." The bear said. "It doesn't agree with me."  
  
"It doesn't agree with us, either." Severus murmured.  
  
"But, as I was saying," The bear said, clearing his throat, and putting on a mystic voice, "I know what you seek."  
  
"Really?" Severus said, "Because we don't and we'd really like to know what the hell we're doing out here."  
  
"Look above you." The bear said, pointing up. The group did as they were told, and sure enough, a big, green, faded dark mark stood hovering over them.  
  
"It's new." Severus said. "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named might very well be closer than we anticipated."  
  
"But, I thought," Andromeda said, "I thought this was supposed to be a mock- Hey!" Andromeda kicked the bear, who was chewing on her leg.  
  
"Sorry." The bear said, licking his chops. "I should really introduce myself. I'm Gladly the cross-eyed bear."  
  
"But you're not cross-eyed." Ramar said.  
  
"You don't have to remind me!" Gladly said, putting his head down in shame. "I was a disgrace to my parents."  
  
"I like cheese." Gilderoy squeaked.  
  
"Me too!" Gladly exclaimed.  
  
"They both like cheese, they're both a disgrace," Sirius said, "It's a small world."  
  
~*~  
  
"So we actually sent them on a REAL mission?" Albus asked, for the fourth time.  
  
"Yes!" Minerva replied, massaging her temples. "For the last time yes!"  
  
"Sucks to be them." Albus said.  
  
"Aren't we going to do something about it?" Minerva asked.  
  
"Minerva," Albus said, "We sent out best people out with Gilderoy. They can defend themselves."  
  
"I hope you're right." Minerva said, looking out the window in the direction of the forest. A piece of paper flew in through the window, and Minerva caught it. It was the map she had drawn for the group.  
  
~*~  
  
And so, the craziness of the chapter is over. I've had one too many chocolate chip cookies... and I need another... For all who wish to know: there is now a prequel to all these stories, as requested. It's not psycho humour, but it's a fun read. It's called "London Café". Peace out! ~ Jerri 


	7. Sea of Shut Upedness

Gladly had been leading our heroes around the beaches for quite a long time now. They were getting tired, which is exactly what Gladly wanted. If one of them dozed off, he could easily tuck in to an arm, or even his favourite, a leg. Severus was dangerously close to dousing Gilderoy is barbeque sauce.  
  
"Are we there yet?" Gilderoy whined for the umpteenth time.  
  
"Gilderoy," Andromeda explained, "We can't possibly be any farther than when you asked two minutes ago. Listen to your walkman."  
  
"The batteries are out." Gilderoy whimpered in reply.  
  
"Severus," Andromeda asked, turning to the Slightly Sunburned Snape, "Do you have any batteries for Gilderoy?"  
  
"All the batteries are dead," Severus exclaimed, "Like my SOUL!"  
  
Andromeda chose to ignore this. Sirius stepped on a twig, and it made a loud snap.  
  
"What was that?" Remus asked, never having heard a twig make such a loud noise.  
  
"I'll protect you!" Gilderoy said, pulling out something from his pocket. "I have my wand!"  
  
"Gilderoy," Ramar said, skeptically, "That's a PEZ dispenser."  
  
"We should be oh so close to the sea by now." Gladly said.  
  
"We ARE by the sea!" Sirius yelled, "We're on a beach!"  
  
"I stand corrected." Gladly replied, slowly realizing that these humans were smarter than he originally thought.  
  
It was a sad looking spot of sand they were on just now. The sky was blackening quickly, and the last bit of sunlight was disappearing over the rolling waves.  
  
Finally, the group came to a small dock, attached to which was a little rowboat, just big enough for their party.  
  
"This boat will take us out onto the Sea of Silence." Gladly said.  
  
"Are you sure it's not something like 'The Ocean of Obscenities'?" Sirius asked, sick of all these stupid names.  
  
"Pretty sure." Gladly said, climbing into the boat.  
  
When everyone was in the boat and their stomachs emptied (Gilderoy got sick from just SEEING the ocean, and triggered a series of vomiting) they pushed off the dock and headed into the unknown.  
  
Ramar, getting pretty fed up about the size of the rowboat, quickly magicked it into a Cruise Liner, complete with a prison down below, where they strung up Gilderoy.  
  
Andromeda had left the group inside the dining quarters, in hopes of getting some fresh air. She spent quite a few minutes just looking out onto the waves, wondering what was going on back at Hogwarts. Just then, she felt a presence behind her.  
  
She turned to find Severus.  
  
"Hello." Andromeda said. "Weren't you off brooding somewhere?"  
  
"I've been wanting to speak to you about something." Severus said.  
  
"Go ahead." Andromeda replied.  
  
"Do you, by any chance," Severus started awkwardly, "Remember when we were in school together?"  
  
Andromeda nodded.  
  
"And," Severus continued, "We made that agreement to-..."  
  
Severus kept talking, but nothing came out. Andromeda tried to respond, but nothing came out.  
  
Hence the Sea of Silence.  
  
Luckily, Gilderoy always carried around no less than 7 magni-doodles, so they were covered.  
  
"How much farther out till we get to the beach?" Remus wrote to Gladly.  
  
"I don't know, I'm just a bear." Gladly wrote back in loopy handwriting.  
  
"I LK CHEEZ." Gilderoy wrote.  
  
Severus hit him over the head with his magni-doodle. Sirius was having fun, drawing obscene gestures with his pen and repeating lines from Saturday Night Live's 'Celebrity Jeopardy'.  
  
"I M SOE PRITTY!" Gilderoy wrote in a script that could have been a three year old. Severus hit him again, breaking the board, and sending magnet shards everywhere.  
  
~*~  
  
"Albus," Minerva exclaimed hastily, "What are we going to do? We sent in half our staff into Voldemort's hideout! They think they're finding the princess of muffins!"  
  
"Wouldn't it be funny if Voldemort had kidnapped the princess of muffins?" Dumbledore chortled, playing with some Micro Machines.  
  
"Albus!" Minerva replied. "That's not funny!"  
  
"But it is!" Dumbledore said, laughing. "It would be SO bizarre?"  
  
"But what about their lives?" she asked.  
  
"Yes, cake would be nice." Albus said.  
  
"Do you have selected hearing or something?" Minerva said, crossing her arms.  
  
"No, I haven't seen X-men 2 yet, but I hear it's marvelous."  
  
~*~  
  
I am SOOOO sorry that took as long as it did. I thought it was posted up there, and then I got all confused, so here it is. The next chapter will be along within the days. So all of you who are sitting outside my door with cattle prods, you can leave. Please. -Jerri 


	8. Silence, Electricty and Gilderoy's Head ...

The silence was deafening.  
  
Sirius was going absolutely mad not being able to be heard. He would scream for hours on end, trying to get noticed without physically tapping someone. But it was all in vain.  
  
Ramar was starting to get carpal tunnel for her magnidoodle, so she quickly traded it in for an etchasketch.  
  
Remus, among other things, was still trying to get Andromeda alone, in hopes of proposing to her. He was trying to at least wait until he could actually ASK her, but Severus was making it rather difficult. Severus was still trying to find himself, (not really, he knew quite well where he was) and trying to explain how he felt about Andromeda.  
  
Andromeda by now was having her own emotional crisis. She was battling the need to kill and disembowel Gilderoy, the desire to slap Sirius and want to push Gladly overboard.  
  
"R wee thar yett?" Gilderoy spelt out.  
  
"For the last time, no." Andromeda replied. "You'll know when we get there."  
  
"Wen?" Gilderoy etched.  
  
"When Sirius's screaming reaches the frequency of your head, and it explodes." Andromeda wrote.  
  
"I don't want that to happen!" Gilderoy wrote frantically. "I don't think I can grow back another one!"  
  
"Give it another fifteen minutes." Gladly wrote. "This sea can't be much further."  
  
"And where will we end up?" Ramar asked.  
  
"Probably the Cliff of Cuteness." Gladly said.  
  
Sirius screamed an obscenity.  
  
"Not in front of the child, Sirius!" Andromeda silently yelled at him, slapping his head. While Sirius rubbed the wound, Severus was busy fashioning a cattle prod out of an extension cord and a glass of water.  
  
"Gilderoy," Severus wrote in a script that was no less than devious, "I have a little present for you."  
  
"GOODY!" Gilderoy exclaimed, holding out his hand. He looked madly happy when he saw what Severus had for him. "OOH!" he creamed. "Eclectricty!"  
  
"No, Gilderoy!" Andromeda wrote frantically when she saw what was going on. "That's no a-..."  
  
ZZZZAAAAAPPPP!!!!  
  
"-Toy."  
  
Gilderoy was barbecued.  
  
"I can't believe that just bloody happened." Remus wrote. "That has nothing to do with the general plot of this story."  
  
"Remus," Andromeda explained, "Don't argue with a godsend."  
  
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" Sirius yelled, finally being heard. Andromeda hit him on the head. Ramar closed her hands around her ears. Gilderoy's head exploded.  
  
"Shut up!" Severus said, hitting Sirius as well and hurling his magnidoodle overboard. "We can hear you!"  
  
"We must be near the Cliff of Cuteness." Gladly said, pointing ahead into the dense fog.  
  
Sure enough, dark figures began to take place. Two immense rocks bulged out of the clouds, completely different in appearance. One was the Cliff of Cuteness, named for its pink grass and trees, and the frolicking teddy bears and gumdrop bushes. The other figure was the Ditch of Doom, writhing with snakes and scorpions, and wreaking of poisonous gases.  
  
Sirius glanced at the Cliff, and then at the ditch. "Let's go that way." He said, pointing to the Ditch of Doom.  
  
"That would lead us to the castle of the princess of donuts." Andromeda said. "That's not where we're going."  
  
"Well, f-..."  
  
"Not in front of the child!"  
  
~*~  
  
Sorry it's so short, but the next chapter's gonna be reasonably long... 


	9. Gummichapter 7

Sirius was scared out of his mind. All around him were pink fluff balls and gummi bears singing songs under the gumdrop trees. It was so... cute!  
  
Every time one of the group stepped, it would make an adorable 'squeak' sound. Severus looked as though he was going to be sick.  
  
"This place is disgusting." Severus said, walking down the chocolate path.  
  
Gilderoy was skipping about, having the time of his life. "Look at all the candy! It's almost as pretty as ME!"  
  
"Oh god, there are puppies, too!" Sirius said, adding to the list of cute things he despised. "I HATE puppies!" Andromeda decided not to tell him about the kittens.  
  
The whole place was just reeking of pink and frills. It was absolutely sickening.  
  
"Well, at least there's plenty to eat." Ramar said, picking up a gummiworm and popping it into her mouth.  
  
Suddenly, there was a rumble, and the ground starting moving.  
  
"Gilderoy, what did you do now?" Remus asked, holding back Sirius from running away.  
  
"I don't think Gilderoy did anything..." Andromeda said, pointing ahead. Sure enough, a herd of gummibears was heading their way. They had huge gummispears and were wearing gummiloinclothes.  
  
"You have eaten a gummi!" The presumable gummiking (he was wearing a gummicrown) said. "You must pay!"  
  
"GummiSir," Andromeda said, "We meant no harm."  
  
"Please, take Gilderoy as an apology." Severus said, pushing Gilderoy forward.  
  
"Gladly, can't you reason with them? You're a bear." Remus asked Gladly.  
  
"Yes, but the Gummibears are sacred creatures." He replied. "I am just a lowly bear..."  
  
"Right..." Remus replied, taking a step back.  
  
"Well, this isn't so bad." Andromeda said. "I'm sure we can figure this out peacefully."  
  
~*~  
  
"Figure things out peacefully, huh?" Severus asked.  
  
The entire group was tied to a gummipole, and surrounding be gummikindling, in which the gummipeople were about to burn the captives with a huge, painful gummifire.  
  
"What the gummihell are we going to do now?" Sirius asked, struggling from his gummiropes.  
  
"If anyone says 'gummi' one more time," Severus said, "I'm going to scream."  
  
"But you just said gummi one more time!" Gilderoy said, his mouth full of gummiwhatnots.  
  
"Gilderoy, what are you eating?" Andromeda asked. "Didn't I tell you not to eat anything that you find on the floor?"  
  
"Wait-..." Severus said. "Gilderoy, eat through your ropes."  
  
"I already did!" Gilderoy said, showing Severus his hands.  
  
"Good boy." Severus said. "Now you go out and eat that gummiarmy!"  
  
"Yes sir!" Gilderoy said, saluting, and he ran off to eat the gummis.  
  
~*~  
  
While Severus, Ramar, Gladly and Sirius were busy watching Gilderoy run amuck, Remus decided he was going to confront Andromeda.  
  
"Andromeda," Remus asked, "are you busy?"  
  
"Remus, I'm tied to a gummipole. I don't think I'm going anywhere." Andromeda replied.  
  
"Um..." Remus fumbled around in his pocket for the ring. "I was thinking.... Well, I kind of wanted to ask you if... because of, you know..."  
  
"What are you talking about?" Andromeda asked, thoroughly confused.  
  
"Well," Remus said, going as close as he could to bending on one knee, "Will you-..."  
  
At that moment, Gilderoy bit through the gummirope, and everyone went tumbling down.  
  
"Ah," Sirius whined, "I fell on my keys."  
  
~*~  
  
That's it, everyone. Oooh- my website is up: the Severus Snape Society! 


	10. Muffin Castle

Muffin castle could be seen clearly from the gummipath. It was a dark, desolate place, obviously the poster castle for pain and suffering.  
  
"Now THAT'S what I'm talking about!" Sirius said, clapping his hands together.  
  
"Where did Gladly go?" Andromeda asked as they walked down to the castle.  
  
"He decided to become the ambassador for real bears in gummiland." Severus said.  
  
"Really?" Andromeda asked.  
  
"No." Severus replied, slightly amused. "When Gilderoy was eating the gummiarmy, he mistook Gladly for a gummibear."  
  
"Ooh, look, a bridge!" Gilderoy exclaimed. Sure enough, there was a big, rickety bridge over a pool of molten lava that led to the castle.  
  
The bridge looked like it was infested with termites, and even as the group looked at it, it was deteriorating.  
  
"Well, ladies first." Sirius said, pushing Ramar forward.  
  
Ramar spilled out onto the bridge, but quickly disapparated and then apparated on the other side.  
  
"That's not fair!" Sirius whined. "I never got my license!"  
  
Ramar stuck out her tongue.  
  
"Children, please." Andromeda said, stepping out onto the bridge. "It's not that bad. Let's go."  
  
They all stepped onto the bridge. Andromeda, then Remus, Sirius, Snape and Gilderoy.  
  
They were about half way over, when there was an awful snapping sound, and the piece of the bridge that was holding up Gilderoy collapsed under him.  
  
The atmosphere was rather casual as Gilderoy flailed and screamed for his life.  
  
"So." Sirius said, "What do we do?"  
  
"Step on his fingers!" Severus pleaded. "PLEASE!"  
  
"Help him up, I guess." Andromeda said.  
  
"Are you sure?" Sirius asked, about to help Gilderoy up, "Who knows when we'll have an opportunity like this again?"  
  
"Yeah," Andromeda said, "Help him up."  
  
~*~  
  
The inside of the castle was massive. The whole place was stone and mold, and it was a cold and lonely place to be. The echoage was awesome, thought.  
  
"Hello? (hello hello)" Sirius said. "Hey, cool! (cool cool) ECHO (echo echo)"  
  
"Sirius, must you be so childish?" Severus asked.  
  
"You're just jealous, because you don't have an echo (echo echo)." Sirius replied smugly.  
  
Gilderoy looked like he was about to have a spaz attack.  
  
"Gilderoy," Andromeda asked. "What's wrong?"  
  
He drew in a squeaking breath. "There... (eep) are... (eep) No... (eep) MUFFINS!!!"  
  
With that, he broke down crying.  
  
"There, there." Andromeda cooed, patting the man-child's back awkwardly.  
  
Severus was just about to make a rude comment, when the glissando of a honky tonk piano sounded.  
  
"Oh, god, no!" Severus whispered. "It's..."  
  
A jazz theme began to play, and a spotlight hit a place in the palace where a fat, bald man, (Peter Pettigrew) was holding up the shriveled figure that was Voldemort.  
  
"Ahem," Voldemort began to sing:  
  
"I am the villain,  
yes the villain,  
I'm the guy who people rely on to kill 'em.  
Oh, some people say that I'm no Sinatra,  
But one Crucio curse and I gotcha!  
Oh, I'm the villain, yes, the villain,  
I'm a legend to every girl and boy,  
I am the epitome of scariness,  
Take it, Malfoy!"  
  
And then, the scariest part of all began. Lucius Malfoy came out and did a tap-dance.  
  
"Faster, Malfoy." Voldemort bellowed. "Don't make me take away your cool mask!"  
  
"Yes, master!" Lucius said, tapping faster.  
  
Voldemort decided to curse Malfoy unconscious, and sing the rest of his song.  
  
"I may not be too pretty, but-..."  
  
"Hey!" Sirius complained. "That's the sorting hat song, plagiarist!"  
  
"Let me finish!" Voldemort replied, putting on a sparkly top hat.  
  
"Yes, I'm the villain,  
The best of all villains,  
And you should all bow down to me!"  
  
Awkward silence.  
  
"You know, you shouldn't use too much vibrato..." Andromeda began.  
  
"SILENCE!" Voldemort said, having Pettigrew raise his wand. "And now, prepare to die!"  
  
~*~  
  
Bum bum badum! One more chapter to go!!! 


	11. Snape Has Emotions!

Before they knew it, Ramar, Remus, Sirius, Andromeda, Severus and Gilderoy were tied to very uncomfortable chairs by very uncomfortable ropes.  
  
"Can I chew through these ones?" Gilderoy asked Severus, childlike.  
  
"I don't think so, Gilderoy." Severus said. "But knock yourself out."  
  
Usually, Gilderoy, thankfully, took that phrase literally. But today, he decided he was going to go figurative. He began attempting to eat the strong (and rather foul tasting) rope that was cutting off the circulation to his brain. No big loss, though.  
  
"Now," Voldemort said, evil as ever, "I am going to KILL-... hey, you're not listening!"  
  
Andromeda snapped out of her dreamlike state. "Oh, sorry." She said, not really sorry at all. "It's just..."  
  
"Just what?" Voldemort asked, putting his fists on his hips.  
  
"It grows tiring, you know?" Ramar said. "That whole 'evil' thing. It's lost its touch, Voldy."  
  
"Don't call me 'Voldie'!" Voldemort bellowed.  
  
"What about 'Mort'?" Sirius asked.  
  
"NO!" said Voldemort, looking truly insulted.  
  
"Big V?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Sweetie Pumpkin?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Silly McWigglebutt?"  
  
"AAAARGH!" Voldemort booked towards Sirius, ready to strangle him. But he slipped, and fell right on his back.  
  
"Is he out?" Remus asked, looking thoroughly bewildered.  
  
"Looks like it." Severus said. "Are you out, Gilderoy?"  
  
"Yef!" Gilderoy said, through a mouthful of rope. "Beem ouf for fee mimifs!"  
  
"Then why haven't you set US free?" Severus asked, clearly being the only one to understand this.  
  
Gilderoy shrugged in response.  
  
"Well, come on, then!" Severus said. Gilderoy quickly unraveled the rope from around our heroes, and they all stood, one by one, rubbing the bruises on their arms.  
  
"What did he slip on?" Sirius asked Ramar, who was on her knees, observing the area around Voldemort's feet.  
  
Ramar peels something of the floor and observed it. "It's a flattened gummiworm." She said.  
  
As if on queue, the gummipeople, spears and all, came bounding into the castle. The angry gummiking stood forward.  
  
"Who has killed the most sacred of the gummis?" he bellowed.  
  
"You mean the worm?" Ramar asked.  
  
All of the gummibears immediately kneeled to the ground, as if in worship.  
  
"We do not speak its name!" The gummiking said, "It is so far above us!"  
  
"Right..." Said Ramar, taking a step back from the gummis. "Um... he killed the wor-... the, uh, sacred gummi."  
  
She pointed to the lump on the floor on that was Voldemort.  
  
"Take him away!" The gummiking yelled, and the gummipeople sprang up from the kneeling position and dragged the unconscious body of Voldemort away.  
  
"Well." Andromeda said as she watched the gummipeople walk out of site. "That was..."  
  
"It certainly was...." Ramar replied.  
  
"So!" Gilderoy said excitedly, "Let's go find the muffin princess!"  
  
"Gilderoy," Andromeda said delicately, "Sit down."  
  
Gilderoy plopped down on the floor, a stupid grin set on his face.  
  
"Gilderoy," Remus began, "There IS no muffin princess. We just made that up so you would..."  
  
"Get the hell out of the way." Snape said. Andromeda would have cast him an evil look, but that was a good way to put it.  
  
"What?" Gilderoy asked, suddenly looking like a wounded puppy.  
  
"You DO tend to be a bit..." Sirius tried to find the right word. "Silly."  
  
"So there are no muffins?" Gilderoy whispered, tears welling in his eyes.  
  
"No." Remus said.  
  
"But we'll get you all the muffins you want when we get back to Hogwarts!" Andromeda added quickly, sensing a spazz attack coming.  
  
"Ok!" Gilderoy said cheerfully, popping up from where he sat.  
  
Andromeda let out a sigh of relief, and she shot a smile a Severus. Severus, on the other hand, didn't know how to handle this. It was only a smile, but it made him feel so...different. He couldn't help but think... maybe he still loved her.  
  
Andromeda decided to move away from the mayhem for a while. She walked out to the castle terrace, where she watched the sun set. Off in the distance, the orange sun ran through the gummibears as they dragged Voldemort to their gummivillage.  
  
"It's beautiful, in a very disturbing way." Andromeda said, feeling Severus's presence behind her.  
  
"You could say that." Severus replied.  
  
"I just did." Andromeda said, half-joking.  
  
"There is something I've really wanted to talk to you about." Severus said, sort of waiting for an interruption, but none came. "Remember that contract we made back in school?"  
  
"Of course, Severus." Andromeda replied, a small smile across her lips.  
  
"Were we serious about that?" he asked.  
  
"Well, we were children." Andromeda said, awkwardly. "Why? Do you... Do you still-..."  
  
Severus didn't let her end her sentence. He swept her into his arms, and into a passionate kiss. Andromeda put her hands against his shoulder, as if making to push him away, but they slowly melted around his neck.  
  
When they parted, there was complete silence. They looked into each other's eyes for a very long time.  
  
"Severus, I-..." Andromeda began, but she found herself at loss for words. "I can't."  
  
She pulled out of their embrace and fled from the terrace.  
  
~*~  
  
Remus was trying to track down Andromeda, figuring this was as good of a time as ever to propose. Hopeless romantic.  
  
As he searched through the halls of the castle, Remus ran right into Snape.  
  
"Have you seen Andromeda, Severus?" Remus asked.  
  
Snape gave him a look that was almost human. He looked hurt, he looked injured. Remus didn't know what to think.  
  
"Are you alright?" Remus asked, truly concerned.  
  
"She's down the way." Severus replied. "Be good to her."  
  
And he swept down the hall, leaving Remus really confused.  
  
Remus shrugged it off, and went down the hall. There was only one room at the end, where he heard Andromeda's distinct pacing echoing throughout the hall.  
  
"May I come in?" Remus asked.  
  
Andromeda did not look well. She was pacing around the empty room, tear stains all over her face. But the moment she saw Remus enter the room, she charmed her face back to normal.  
  
"Of course, Remus." Andromeda said, voice wavering.  
  
Remus walked over to her. "I was wondering..." he began. But suddenly, he couldn't do it. He had been planning this moment for months. Every word, every movement mapped out in his head. But he just stood there. "How are you?"  
  
Andromeda looked confused, but replied, "Fine. How are you?"  
  
"I've been better." Remus replied, resolving that he couldn't do it. Andromeda was obviously not feeling well, and neither was he. It could wait. "I'm going to go and..."  
  
He ran out of the room.  
  
"Great." Andromeda said aloud. "You sure can pick 'em, Annie."  
  
~*~  
  
The group was ready to go. Snape was convinced that Remus had proposed, and Andromeda had accepted. Remus was oblivious about Snape's love for Andromeda, and Andromeda was having some serious debates going on in her head. Gilderoy REALLY wanted those promised muffins, Sirius was fooling around with the dead gummiworm and Ramar was trying to get the dead gummiworm out of her hair.  
  
"Let's go!" Gilderoy said, jumping up and down. "Muffins!"  
  
"Yes, Gilderoy," Remus said, "Let's go find you some REAL muffins."  
  
Gilderoy ran off into the distance. Sirius, Remus and Ramar followed, once again leaving Snape and Stone alone.  
  
"About what happened earlier-..." Andromeda began.  
  
"Nothing happened." Snape replied, coldly. "You can go off with your prince charming and live happily ever after."  
  
Andromeda looked very hurt at these words.  
  
"That's not the way you really feel, Severus." Andromeda replied quietly, "And maybe one day, you'll be able to be an adult and tell me. And maybe then it won't be too late."  
  
Andromeda walked off to join the rest of the group. Severus stood alone for a moment. Had that meant what he thought it did? He ran to the others, ready for the long journey home.  
  
As our heroes stride off into the sunset, and Gilderoy's echoes of "MUFFINS, AHOY!" sounds through the air, we can only wonder: Are the group tales finally over? Ha! Not nearly.  
  
The End  
  
~*~  
Yay! Muffins! I cannot TELL you the cravings I got writing this... the next is already up! It's a sequel to the Severus Snape Society, and it's called Snape: The Musical. To summarize: The resurrection of the SSS, a bizarre musical, Ramar as DADA teacher, Snape's new girlfriend, Andromeda's heartbreaking decision and tons of SSS induced fun!!! PS- Has anyone read OotP? I cried and cried at the end, when he was looking at the mirror! WAAAAH! But he-who-died will still be in the fanfics! He's still alive here! *sniff* ~Jerri 


End file.
